


The Higher You Climb

by seasaws



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Jotunn Loki (Marvel), Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, POV Loki (Marvel), Pre-Avengers (2012), Protective Thor, Slow Build, Thor Is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Trust Issues, bucky barnes & loki friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 00:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12852339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seasaws/pseuds/seasaws
Summary: The further you have to fall. And Loki has fallen so very, very far.





	1. Fallen

**Author's Note:**

> So I started writing this at the end of 2011 based off a prompt over on norsekink that was in turn based off a dance on SYTCYD. I originally posted in on Norsekink and on FF.net. Now it's been five years, and after not writing for essentially that whole time, seeing the new Thor movie made me think about this and want to finish it. The first three chapters are more or less the original ones that I wrote as a 18 year old (so not my best work, but I digress).  
> This was started post Thor 1 but pre-avengers, so it's canon divergence from there. After the first few chapters, I'm planning to have this read more as a bunch of connected one shots showing glimpses into Loki's progress.  
> Please let me know if I've made any mistakes or the like as this is the first story I've ever posted here.

They say the higher you climb, the further you fall.

Well, Loki had been a prince. Brother to the heir of Asgard, son of the All-Father. He had been regarded as one of the most powerful magicians in the nine realms and renown for his wit and intelligence. As he grew older, he earned a seat on his father’s counsel and became a trusted voice of reason over his hot-headed older brother.

Then he learned the truth. The throne was thrust upon him and he just climbed, higher and higher.

And so he had fallen. Fallen so very, very far.

Midgard was a horrible place for those without power. He landed on the streets of a city he learned was called New York. And there he had stayed. His magic was there, at least at first, but Loki hadn't the desire to use it and the longer he didn't the harder it was to feel the pull. Now he wondered if it would ever be able to claw his way out of this pit, to climb again. To risk the fall, to risk the landing.

He had intended to fall, after all.

He just never thought he would survive the landing.

A great prince of Asgard, reduced to begging for change in the dark streets of downtown New York. Loki had ventured out today, past his normal haunts. Beyond the safety and familiarity of his home ground. He travelled to central park, it was sunny and he hoped to get enough money for at least two days of food. He wore a green beanie pushed down over his head, raven locks escaping from the bottom. He'd washed his hair and shirt in the shelter he'd been lucky enough to get into last night. He couldn't slick his hair back anymore and without the beanie it fell in soft curls around his face. It was long, too long but Loki had no money to get it cut, so he had resigned himself to constantly pushing the bangs out of his eyes. At the very least, long hair helped covered any bruises he was unlucky enough to acquire.

He arrived in the park and glanced up at the sky. It was blue.

It reminded him of home.

He felt sick.

His skin was pale and Loki was thin. He had never been as muscled as Thor but the trickster wasn't exactly a weakling.

He'd lost almost all his muscle in the first few months.

When you spend most of your time running from thieves or people whose desires were too dark or twisted, muscle just weighed you down.

It was a risk Loki couldn't afford to take.

It was autumn and the air was crisp. At least the cold didn't pose a problem for Loki. He'd seen others, humans, perish over the winter. Simply not able to handle the snow and biting cold that winter swept in, they withered. Loki felt nothing of cold. He'd never noticed it before The Fall.

His fall.

Now it was everything.

All the differences, the little things, the big things.

Everything.

And nothing.

He was nothing.

A sudden shove sent him stumbling. Loki span, looking about wildly for his attacker. A pair of men were staring at him greedily. Whether it was for money, the clothes on his back or something more sinister, Loki didn't wait around to ask. He was gone before they took another step. Sprinting away, he raised a hand to yank the beanie firmly down almost over his eyes.

Loki ran quickly but carefully, tracked a convoluted path through the park to discourage any potential followers. But soon, too soon, his legs burned and his chest tightened.

There had been a time when he could have run for days on a hunt or climbed the tallest mountain.

But now, Loki was hardly better than the mortals he begged money off of.

He paced off the footpath leading into the zoo and lowered himself down, legs hanging over a small stone wall. It was quiet in the park. He'd picked a bad day. There were few people and fewer still who looked like they had any money. He sighed and worked on catching his breath.

That was when the talking and laughter caught his attention.

"I can't believe you've never been here Steve!"

"Thank you for taking me, Tony. I do appreciate it,"

"Bah, it was worth it to see Goldilocks confused over the animals, where is he anyway?"

A lengthy pause followed and Loki got to his feet. The second voice, Steve, sounded kind-hearted. Naïve perhaps. Loki adjusted the beanie to sit crookedly, the guilt card, it seemed, was to be played.

"I think he went to get fairy floss,"

"More? He already ate four bags!"

Loki approached slowly, taking in the two men talking. One was short, dark hair, sunglasses. Had money by the look of his clothes and seemed vaguely familiar, but he wasn't the one Loki was interested in. The other man was tall, blond hair, blue eyes. Had a smile on his face that reminded Loki of his not-brother. He held himself like a warrior but had the face of a peacemaker.

Loki walked up slowly, keeping an eye on the short one but focusing his attention on this, 'Steve'. He was mere metres away before they noticed him. Loki opened his mouth to speak but the short one held up a hand. He lowered his sunglasses ever so slightly, tilting his head to assess Loki.

"No way, beat it," he said, waving a hand in dismissal. Loki stopped in his tracks.

Steve frowned. "Tony, don't be cruel,".

"Don't be naïve, Steve, the guy probably makes a couple hundred a day," Tony replied curtly, already stalking off. But Loki would not be put off that easily. He pulled off his beanie and ran a hand through his hair, ruffling the curls.

"Please, just some change. Anything would help," he asked.

Not begged.

Gods do not beg.

Then again, Loki was not a god.

Steve sighed. "I don't have anything on me, but my friend does, let me talk to him,"

Loki nodded eagerly as the blonde walked to his friend. They had a quiet discussion. Eventually the black haired man took his glasses off in what seemed to be frustration and Loki suddenly realised what he recognised the man from.

Stark. That was his name. Loki had seen him in a paper.

Every paper actually. And magazines.

The fabled Iron Man.

An Avenger.

Thor was an Avenger.

Loki had seen it in the paper.

What if his brother was near?

What if his brother found him?

Loki immediately started backing away. He needed to leave. To get away. He started to turn, prepared himself to run.

"Friends! This thing, the floss of fairies? It is wonderful! I had to acquire more. Who is this? Another friend?"

It was too late to freeze, too late to hide. Loki found himself face to face with Thor.

His once-brother.

His once-friend.

Neither spoke.

Neither moved.

Thor dropped his food and stared at Loki.

"Brother?"

The whisper broke whatever spell was keeping Loki in place and then he was gone in a flash of black hair.

Thor was left.

Standing, hand outreached.

And all that was left was a green beanie.

Left on the path.

Forgotten in haste.

Fallen.


	2. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Brother... You are so thin"

Lost.

That was the word he was looking for.

Loki felt...lost.

It was hardly an unfamiliar emotion, just not one that he spent time finding a name for on a regular basis.

But this wasn't just disorientation in the physical sense, this was a complete sense of everything being wrong and nothing being right and having absolutely no idea how to make the world like it was before.

And then what even was before?

Before he learnt the truth? Before The Fall? Before he saw his not-once-blood-brother-liar-best-friend again in the middle of the park?

Thor wasn't his brother. He was Odin's son and Loki was Laufey's son.

Odinson.

Laufeyson.

He knew that. He did.

Loki ran a worried hand through his hair, quietly lamenting the loss of his beanie. Tonight would be an uncomfortable night with nothing to cushion his head from the hard concrete or bricks he would be sleeping on.

He sighed and made his way to a nearby bench. He was still in the park. It was still quiet. Which, of course, was bad news for Loki.

He had no money for a bus or a train back to familiar streets and if there was one thing he'd learned living on the streets it was that the humans he shared them with were more territorial than a pissed off warg and the bigger ones could pack a punch.

He'd spent the last half hour on alert, avoiding Thor but the constant movement was making it difficult to convince anyone to spare some coins. Loki was tired. He'd eaten three times in the past four days and the amount of running he was doing today was severely depleting his energy reserves.

Loki didn't realise he'd fallen asleep until an easily recognisable voice woke him.

"There he is! Brother!"

"Told you I could find him, he's the only one with a heat signature  _ below _ zero,"

"That's great Tony, hey Thor! Maybe you shouldn't just-"

"Too late, Stevie,"

"Don't call me that,"

Loki jerked out of his post-nap daze to Thor's face taking up his entire vision. He swallowed. Thor's ridiculously big frame,  _ how could he have forgotten about that?,  _ was completely blocking Loki's escape routes. And even if he could make it off the bench, he didn't like his chances with the 'Iron Man' and the blonde man who was looking more and more like an Asgardian than a mortal by the second.

Mortals.

He was trapped by  _ mortals _ now.

Loki forced his gaze back to Thor, whose normal expression of cheerful ignorance had been replaced by an altogether worrisome look of concern. One of Thor's hands started to move and Loki instinctively pressed himself backwards into the bench, willing himself to fall through it.

There had been a time when he could have.

When he could have teleported himself away or Thor and his friends to an ice cap.

But his magic was suspiciously lost to him at the moment.

Thor stopped the movement and a look of hurt started to taint the concern playing across the god's face.

Loki tensed nervously.

"Brother… You are so thin," Thor started quietly.

Loki was almost shocked by the genuine uneasiness in his brother-not-brother's tone. This wasn't a tease about Loki's slenderness when compared to the other Asgardians but an honest expression of worry.

Loki looked away.

Thor must not know.

If he knew he wouldn't care, he wouldn't be looking for a lost brother.

Not-brother.

Laufeyson. Odinson and Laufeyson. Not one and the same. 

Loki opened his mouth to speak but closed it just as fast. He didn't know what he was supposed to say, there was no retort coming to mind, nor an insult ready to leap off of his tongue.

If anything his silence seemed to concern Thor even more.

"Broth-Loki," Thor changed tack, finally recognising the look of discomfort on Loki's face every time  _ that _ word was used. "I thought you were dead. Mother, Father, we all grieved for you,"

Loki sighed. They didn't tell Thor the truth about him then.

Didn't tell Thor that Loki was one of the monsters the Thunderer hunted in his spare time.

"You don't know then?" he asked, speaking softly, his voice slightly haggard. "They didn't tell you?"

Thor looked at Loki in confusion.

"Didn't tell me what?"

"Thor, when I said I wasn't your brother, I meant it," Loki tried to sound firm but it just came out as tired. Maybe Thor would kill him, smite him like he always claimed to want to do to all Frost Giants. Perhaps this was the real landing of his fall.

Something close to understanding washed over Thor and a small smile graced his face.

"No worry, Brother. I spoke with Father. He told me of your beginnings. How he rescued you from Jotunnheim,"

Loki stared.

The bench he was on became ghosted with white frost as the air dropped several degrees. 

Lost for words.

Thor reached out and grasped Loki's shoulder firmly. "It matters not to me Loki. You are still my brother, we will always have each other," his smile grew, as if the only reason Loki was running was because of a fear about his heritage and now that it was cleared up he would come home. "I'm sure Heimdall has already informed Mother and Father of your survival, how you managed to hide for so long is a mystery to me!" Thor chuckled. "But no matter now, I am glad you are still alive and all of Asgard will rejoice in the news of their prince's return,"

Loki was frozen in place.

He didn't understand.

How could Thor know about it all and not hate him?

How could Loki return home?

How could he face his fath-Odin?

And Frigga?

Loki couldn't.

He couldn't understand.

Everything was wrong and nothing was right and Loki felt like he was getting pulled further and further away from a sense of clarity.

It wasn't an unfamiliar emotion.

He'd felt it enough in his youth.

But now Loki had a word to go with it.

He was lost.

Completely and utterly lost.

With no idea of how to get home.


	3. Knowledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What good is a Liesmith if he has no lies to work with?

Loki didn't know what to do.

He just couldn't do.

Anything.

He couldn't speak.

He couldn't move.

He knew. Thor  _ knew _ .

And now moth-Frigga and Odin knew he was alive. Heimdal would've been watching Thor. And now he would be able to see Loki.

They  _ knew _ .

Knowledge was everything to Loki and the one thing Loki had, the one thing he knew that no one else did was the result of his Fall.

But now  _ they knew. _

And Loki didn't know anything.

He couldn't breathe.

He couldn't  _ breathe. _

His eyes unfocused and the world started to blur. He heard the words 'panic' and 'attack' and 'hyperventilating' but he didn't  _ know _ them. He couldn't understand.

Then his world faded to black and Loki knew nothing at all.

Loki woke up to a warm bed, soft sheets and dry clothes.

For a moment Loki believed he was back home. That this was all just some kind of horrible nightmare. Maybe a spell misfired or he drank too much mead. He let himself believe that he was in his chambers and that Thor had never been banished and that he was truly Odin's son.

But he knew the colours of his old room.

He knew the ceiling was higher, the bed slightly longer and the cushions softer.

He knew he could never go home.

And Loki knew that he wasn't Odin's son.

Laufeyson. He knew that. He did.

He rubbed his eyes roughly, clearing the sleep from them and glancing around the room.

It was plain, Loki couldn't tell anything important from it. Not knowledge about the owner.

All he could do was sit in the bed and try to stay strong.

It worked for half a minute.

Then Loki buried his head in his hands and felt his whole body go tense.

Thor  _ knew,  _ he  _ KNEW. _

Loki had never wanted to see him again. He needed to be away. Away from Asgard and the mistakes and the lies and the shame.

He had that on the streets. It was a bad way to live but it was better than being back in Asgard.

Loki had grown up with the stares. But _before,_ before he had secrets. He had information he could lord over the others. Who owed what to who, which couples were fighting, which ambassador could be plied with wine and which with mead and which with a longing touch and a promise for more. Loki Silvertongue was _good_ at his job.

But not anymore. By now, Odin would know of what he’s done. All of it. All the dirty little secrets he'd coveted away. All the mistakes he'd made and all the lies he'd spun. Loki could practically see it, out the God of Mischief as a frost giant and watch as the rats filed in to tell of his misdeeds know they had a scapegoat to dump the blame onto. All of Asgard would know of his shame and Loki would be a mockery.

But perhaps it wasn't just that, as Odin knew of Loki's misdeeds Loki knew of Odin's.

He knew of the way Odin had stole him from Laufey's kingdom. Stolen him as a raider would a pretty peasant girl. It wasn't an act of mercy that the All-Father committed that day but an act of politics. He needed leverage over Laufey. He could have just taken the Casket. It would have been enough but Odin chose, he  _ chose _ to take Loki. Turn Laufeyson to Odinson.

Since his arrival in Midgard Loki had thought of that fateful night a thousand times over. He ran over the story Odin told again and again and again. Odin found a child in a temple, abandoned. It never made sense. A child  _ abandoned _ in a  _ temple? _ But now Loki would never know. Another mistake.

And Loki knew more of Odin. He knew of the way Odin kept his true nature hidden from all the court. The lies he must have told to explain his youngest son's behaviour. To hide the mistakes Loki made and the shame he brought to the royal house.

It all made sense now.

Loki knew everything. Odinson to Laufeyson, the fall and the truth.

And yet he knew nothing.

For Thor knew as well.

Odin had no right.

Loki's birth. His true father, his family and being. That was not knowledge for Odin to share. Yet another stolen treasure. Odin had taken and taken and taken from Loki and now the Trickster had  _ nothing _ left to give.

Loki heard the footsteps long before he registered them. They were heavy and strong. The footfalls of a god and of a king. Loki heard those steps. He scrubbed his face hurriedly on the linen before straightening up. He waited for Thor to burst through the door. Waited for an entrance that didn't come.

A tentative knock echoed in the room. Loki said nothing.

There was silence for a moment, before Loki's not-brother spoke. "May I enter?"

Loki stared at the door. Not once in his whole life had Thor knocked before entering his abode. Never learning despite the often embarrassing results for the both of them. "Y-yes, you may," Loki called out softly.

The door hand moved and Thor invaded the room with his body. Just a mass of golden locks, bright eyes and smiles that Loki tried his best to hate. He carried a tray of Midgardian food in his hands. After some awkward shuffling of plates Thor managed to close the door behind him and turn to face his brother. Loki simply stared.

Thor took a breath and held out the tray slightly. "I brought you food," he said gently, placing the tray down on the end of the bed. Loki stared at the food. Thor sat down next to it. Loki let his gaze drift up to the Asgardian’s face. The Odinson frowned. "You need to eat Loki." he sighed.

Loki frowned briefly and looked away from Thor, choosing instead to study the wallpaper.

“Tony has been searching for images of you, you’ve been here for several months it seems," Thor began.

That caught Loki's attention and the raven-haired god turned back to face the Thunderer.

Thor interpreted this as a good sign and continued. "I will contact Father on the morrow, arrange for passage back to Asgard," he said with a soft smile. "With the Bifrost still being repaired, it may take some time, but until then you will stay with me, I know you must hate living amongst the mortals,"

_ I know you. _

For a brief moment all Loki knew was red. How  _ dare  _ he?

"How  _ dare  _ you?" Loki spat out.

The sudden words took Thor by surprise. "Brother?"

Loki was breathing heavily, holding his fists clenched tight against his sides.

"How  _ dare _ you say you know me? You know  _ nothing _ ! You should know  _ nothing!" _ Loki launched himself at Thor, sending the carefully prepared platter flying and beating his fists against the larger god's chest. "It was not his secret to tell, you should know nothing!" what started as a wild attack soon dissolved into nothing. Thor wrapped strong arms around Loki as the Trickster weakly hit him.

"You should know  _ nothing," _ he rasped out. " _ Nothing," _

Thor just waited.

" _ Nothing _ , it was not his secret to tell. It was  _ mine, _ and he kept it from me," Loki repeated it like a mantra. Was Odin never happy with how much he'd taken from Loki? He was taking all his secrets? What good is a Liesmith if he has no lies to work with?

"You should know  _ nothing," _

" _ Nothing." _


	4. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony corrects Loki on his definition of monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the start of new content. Hope you enjoy!

Loki paced. His quarters consisted of four rooms, and he had run of most of the floor on this forsaken tower but out there he had no control. The being that lived in the walls had informed him that the locks on these doors were his to unlock and lock as he wished. He was, of course, reminded that there was a way to override this if the need arose.

Smart humans.

After all, why would you give a monster the only keys to his cage?

That's what he was after all.

Laufeyson.

Monster.

Loki kicked a chair, leaving a crack in the wood. It had been three weeks since his run in with Thor in the Park and as it turns out regular food and sleep did wonders even for an immortal. His strength was slowly returning, and Loki was dreading the day that his captors realised and found ways to put a check on him. It was ridiculous, to be honest. He was a frost giant, his kind had nearly torn this world apart millennia ago and yet this group of mortals seemed content enough to let a creature that stepped straight out of their myths walk freely in their home.

Loki allowed himself to slump into the couch, glaring out the window at the icy skies. It was the middle of winter and the skyline was bathed in the bright white of snowfall. The view matched the frigid temperature in his quarters and as the cold seeped into his bones, Loki couldn't help but relax.

_Of course you enjoy this, frost giants live in a frozen wasteland. Monster._

Loki clenched his fists as the all-to-familiar thoughts crept back into his head.

Monster.

"Oh my god, it is freezing in here, Jarvis! Jack up the heat will you, before I die of frostbite"

"At once Mister Stark"

Loki let his nostrils flare in irritation as the familiar voice drifted in from the doorway.  _Stark_. Aside from Thor, Stark had been the only other being he saw in his quarters. And it wasn't by invitation.

"Come to see your resident freak again Stark?" he bit out, shoving his hands in the pockets of a light cardigan he had found in one of the rooms and letting a blue tinge edge over his fingertips to keep the air around his person icy. Despite this, Stark jumped over of the back of the couch to sit by him. He had three books in his hands.

"Oh quit it Elsa, alien gods are practically an everyday occurrence around here," Tony quipped back.

Loki bristled at the nickname and the air dropped another few degrees as blue crept up Loki's forearms. He glanced down and scowled, willing the blue back under his skin and Stark out of his chambers. The latter not coming as easily as the former it seemed. Loki pushed himself off the couch and stalked to the window, he sighed. "What, pray tell, have you come to pester me about today Stark?"

A thud of books hitting the low table placed in front of the count was accompanied by a single word. "Metaphysics," Tony sounded like a child at christmas.

"Magic," Loki corrects without turning.

"Metaphysics sounds cooler, now I wanted to know about illusions. Thor said you could warp your appearance, and create illusions of yourself that could move independently?"

Loki lets his head hang and glances at his hands. "That is complicated seiðr Stark, it would take me weeks to explain that," he said dismissively, hoping to brush off the human's questions.

Silence filled the room for a brief moment.

"Ok, so what's less complicated?"

Loki turned, eyebrows raising in surprise at the human's persistence. "Less complicated?" he repeated back.

Tony shrugged. "Yeah, come on, I wanna understand this, give me baby magic, magic one-oh-one, magic for dum-"

"Fine!" Loki snapped, holding up a hand to cut the rambling. If the man was stupid enough to want to learn tricks from a monster, then that was his problem.

"Fine?"

"Yes. Fine, I will teach you"

* * *

"So you're never actually  _creating_  energy, you're pulling it from somewhere else?"

"Yes, in very basic terms I suppose that is correct. It can be from the weilder's own reserve, from a shield brother or another energy source."

The room was lit by a single lamp pulled over from the study to illuminate the dining table in Loki's chambers. It was covered in pages notes hastily scribbled and equations written over other equations.

"So are there things you can't pull energy from? What limits are we talking about?"

"In theory you can take anything from anywhere provided you have the control. But some things are foolish. Mortals are weak and-"

"Hey!"

"Weak compared to an asgardian?"

"Well I suppose that is true, what about compared to a frost giant?"

Silence filled the room.

"Get out."

"Lokes, I'm sorry I didn't mean-"

"GET OUT!"

Frost giant.

Monster.

Laufeyson.

* * *

Three days after the incident, Tony came back. Loki woke to find him in his quarters, lounging on the couch with one foot on the coffee table. Loki frowned at him and considered, briefly, throwing him out of the window.

Tempting.

_Typical. Is violence your true nature?_

Loki gritted his teeth and stalked to the small kitchen area he has access to, shushing the snarking voice inside his head.

_Monster._

The silence is broken by Tony.

"So I had a chat with Thor about you,"

Loki blinked at the back of the couch. He breathed heavily. Here it was, Tony had finally wised up, had finally seen through the facade.

Truth was he was just a monster making play he's still a man.

"Yeah, it was enlightening. Had a long discussion about the other worlds, realms, whatever you call it,"

Loki remained silent. Waiting for the chains that were sure to come. Watched as the mortal closed the book he was reading and sighed.

"I don't know how much you know about me, but I used to make weapons. Really good weapons, made a lot of people rich, myself included, but it turns out I was getting a lot of people killed as well."

A frown briefly passed over Loki's face, Stark had never come across as a war monger to him.

"And then finally it all caught up to me, someone I considered to be like a father betrayed me, got me captured by some psychos in a desert. I was held there for months, the people there,"

Tony sighed and sat up on the couch, keeping his back to Loki.

"They weren't exactly boy scouts, they killed... Yinsen, a friend of mine and nearly killed me,"

Tony stood and turned to face Loki, walking around the couch to come into touching distance. He seemed to study the god for a moment. Loki stared back warily, waiting for the ball to drop. But it didn't. One side of Tony's mouth twitched up in a soft attempt at a smile. He reached out a hand, even as Loki flinched back, and rested it on Loki's arm.

"I know monsters Loki. And you're not one,"

* * *

Loki stayed standing and silent in the kitchen for what seemed like an age after the mortal took his leave.

What did the mortal know of monsters? A few stories from his not-brother Thor and suddenly Stark was an expert. Loki's face twisted into a scowl and he closed to space to the dining table in a few short strides.

Loki stared at the table covered in notes and magic and learning. A physical representation of everything that he didn't have.

Loki picked up a book, closing it to read the cover "An Introduction to Metaphysics" He scoffed and hurled to the book into the shelving.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

His anger clouded his mind and Loki tore into the books, shredding pages and throwing the heavier ones.

His final angrily thrown book sent the lamp toppling over and in an instant the glass shattered and the exposed wires set the paper littering the floor alight. Loki stepped back, instinctively raising his hands and muttering a containment spell before he could stop himself. He realised his mistake as he attempted it. Foolish.

How stupid to think that he still had any power?

Seiðr was the gift of the asgardians, not one of the Jotun. Of course it wouldn't work.

Loki was pulled from his angry internal tirade by a simple realisation. No fire.

The fire was gone.

It had spluttered out in the trap of airless space Loki had actually conjured around it.

Loki glanced at his hands, watched as the faint flicker of green seeped back into his palms.

How?

How could a monster conjure magic?

How could he?


	5. Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chaos is the enemy here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I the worst at actually making myself sit down and write? Yes  
> Am I also maybe playing a little hard and fast with magic rules? Yes

****“Leave it Thor,”

“Loki, I just don’t see why you wouldn’t want to return? Mother and Father will be so-”

“I said leave it,”

The last words came out as a growl and silence descended. The two once-brothers stared each other down. Thor opened his mouth to speak again and then clearly thought better of it. He sighed and turned to leave, pausing before reaching the door.

“Loki, just… consider it? Please?” he pleaded, searching his brother’s face for any sign of agreement. Seeing none, the god clenched his jaw in annoyance and left.

Loki took several deep breaths and tried to steady himself. He felt like a child again, his magic kept appearing and disappearing with his moods and the constant flux made him nauseous. He gritted his teeth and held out his hand letting trails of green light trickle from his fingertips and swirl into a ball of energy. The trickster’s hand began to shake and he quickly dropped his arm, letting the energy dissipate. His progress was slow and made slower still by the restrictions of being in a place full of mortals. He wasn’t a child learning control of power that increased as his discipline did. Loki was beginning the feel the pull of his seiðr and untouched for so long it was a writhing mess. Chaos pulsates under the surface of his skin. Heightening his moods and sending his sense haywire. Colours tasted vivid and sounds took on distinctive shapes and textures as his seidr ran rampant, uninvited, over his nerves.

Years of careful shaping of the power he tapped into had begun to collapse. And now? All it would take was one mistake.

One misstep, one moment of lost control, one moment of anger, and he risked bringing the whole tower down. Chaos bred chaos and Loki had never been one to try to tame the storm.

* * *

Stark continued to visit, though he quickly learned to avoid Loki's quarters after Thor had been up there.

Loki told him himself that he tolerated the mortals presence as a strategic move, but in his more honest moments he acknowledged, however barely, that the mortal had an unexpected calming influence on him. Loki wasn't sure if it was the constant questions about magic,  Stark’s insistence on Loki learning, or at least unenthusiastically listening to, all about midgard’s "cinematic experiences", or maybe it was his constant stream of babbling nonsense but at the minimum stark was a much needed distraction at some of Loki's more volatile moments.

But today was different.

Today marked a year spent on Midgard.

A year since he woke; groggy, battered, and bruised on the sidewalk. Stripped of title, family, and heritage.

Loki stood in front of the window that spanned the bulk of his living quarter's far wall and let his head tip back. His argument with Thor earlier that week, however brief, still weighed on his mind. He closed his eyes, breathing as steady as he could manage to attempt to control the seething well of power that he was only just able to wrestle back into control on his good days.

And today was not a good day.

Today the well rose to a boil. Magic was reflective of the user and Loki had never been anything but wild. Granted he used to be considerably more adept at controlling it, but at his core Loki was wild, chaotic, and as fierce as a winter storm.

Winter.  
Frost giant.

No wonder he always felt like the struggle to control his power was greater than his tutors described it would be. Frost giants weren’t born to seiðr like the Aesir were. How? How did he even have it then? How did a monster possess the gift of the gods?

God.  
Monster.   
Chaos.   
  
The silence in his quarters was broken by the sound of shattering glass as the wine glass Stark had left on the coffee table the previous night exploded.   
  
Loki glanced behind him, clenching his jaw, today was not a good day. Power bubbled viciously under his skin, begging to be released.

Chaos.  
The storm.   
Rage.   
  
Loki took a breath and looked out over the city, still bathed in an icy blanket, even though winter was over half way done. He slowly let his seiðr seep out of his pores, flowing into to the air and the walls. He felt the crackle of electricity in the wires threading through the building and tasted the hum of the reactor that powered this place. This small release quietened the boil ever so slightly and Loki relaxed minutely. The trickster reached out and placed a hand on the glass, letting the cold soak into his skin. He heard rather than felt his magic pull towards the cold and he let it roam, albeit on a leash. A layer of frost formed on the inside of the glass and he watched his breath ice up as he exhaled.

And so Loki balanced the storm.

Floating somewhere between chaos and calm.  
  
So distracted by the tenuous grip he had on control and well aware of the risk he was taking by relaxing the reigns on his power, Loki didn't sense the heavy footfalls of his brother-not-brother until the other god was in the doorway.

"Loki? Your magic! How? You said-,"

Loki span around at the sound of Thor's voice, the surprise was evident, though tinged with the beginnings of distrust. But Thor's query was interrupted by a sudden eruption of noise. The delicate hold Loki had on his power snapped and the dam broke, seiðr snaked out of his veins like poison. The window shattered and as chaos flew through the wires light bulbs tore apart like paper lanterns.

One moment.

One moment of lost control and the storm was free.

And with it went Loki's control.

Seidr had a way of ramping up emotions. It was why training started so early with any child who showed a talent in magic. To expose adolescents to a semi-established power in such a highly emotional time was dangerous to the extreme. Loki was no teenager but to have gone without touching his seiðr for so long he might as well have the control of one.  
Loki tasted the sparks on his teeth as the edges of his control whipped towards the arc reactor. The air around the tower turned icy and snow appeared as if out of nowhere, engulfing the room in a mini blizzard.

Chaos.

In some half conscious part of his mind a number flashed up something Stark had brought up in one of his tangents, the theoretical output of the reactor if one ignored the mortals understanding of physics. And if the reactor became overloaded, it could level half the city.  
Loki tensed, barely breathing as he raced to wind in his seidr. Thoughts burrowed their way into the forefront of his mind,

_Look at you. Pathetic. Can't even control your own mind. Thor doesn't trust you, and for good reason. How could he trust a monster? How could he ever believe you were anything more than the runt you were cast out as? Monster. Frost giant. You don’t belong here. You don’t belong anywhere. It would’ve been better for everyone if you never stopped falling in the void._

No.

Loki wrenched back on the magic that was rapidly spinning to chaos. He needed control, too long he lived without it. And this would ruin everything. He was distantly aware that Tony had joined Thor in the doorway and he tasted the alarm blaring in the hallways.

_So little control._

Loki's mind was desperate and spinning in a distinctly nauseating fashion as he drew the tendrils of his power to a standstill. He felt iron in his mouth and a singular thought drifted tantalizingly through the chaos.

_So why don't just let it go?_

_Touch the reactor_

_Let the mortals know true power._   
_Let them understand chaos._   
_Let them feel this._   
_Let them feel small and powerless._ _  
_ Let them understand what anger is.

_What rage is._

Loki felt his grip waver ever so slightly, destruction was alluring, it always had been.

_Make them feel it._   
_LET GO._   
_LET CHAOS IN._ _  
_ LET THE STORM OUT.

A scream tore itself from Loki's throat and he snapped back on his seiðr. Ripping it from the walls and the air and slamming it back into its cage. He would not be commanded by emotions. Not this time.

Loki slumped forward, bracing himself with a hand buried into the carpet, damp with melted snow. The winds died as Loki reeled the last dregs of his power in and the blue tinge that had spread unnoticed up his arms faded.

Loki slowly became aware of the company in the room. Of course, Thor. His sudden arrival had been was snapped his hold. What a foolish thing he had been doing. Playing with fire had always been a vice for Loki and this was not the first time he'd been burnt. He ran his tongue over his teeth, and stood with shaky legs, spitting out a mouth full of blood as he did. Exhausted and wary, Loki turned his gaze up to Thor. "Brother," he rasped out, too tired to remember where his feelings were on his usage of that term.

Thor for his part was still only just inside the doorway, one arm outstretched hand resting on Stark’s chest, blocking him for entering the room. Thor met Loki's gaze with cautious eyes.

"Your magic?" he asked.

Loki took a breath and tried to steady himself despite the ache creeping into his skull. "It's there," he admitted, glancing around the room slowly. Taking in the destruction.

Thor seemed to consider his next words carefully.

"And are you - ok?”

Loki's eyes snapped up to meet Thor's, surprise evident on his face. Why would Thor be asking if he was ok when Loki barely stopped himself from destroying the entire tower.

"I-," Loki paused. "I'm fine, just out of practice I suppose," Loki wasn't sure how much Thor would understand or forgive, so he compromised. Judging by Thor's frown, his half truth wasn't appreciated but before Thor could push the matter, Stark cut in.

"What the fuck just happened Lokes?" Tony demanded, ducking under Thor's arm to approach the raven haired god. "JARVIS picked up an energy reading that was off the charts, don't tell me that was you?"

Loki let his gaze slide off of Thor to meet Tony's. Stark’s words held the barest whisper of fear and loki quickly tried to bury the feeling of shame that welled up in his chest. He lifted one shoulder in an attempt of a shrug.

"I let my emotions get the better of me," he paused to take a shaky breath and straighten slightly and looking to Thor. "It wont happen again," he said firmly, wincing slightly as even that bare amount of effort sent lances of pain through the back of his eyeballs. Thor tensed his jaw visibly.

“We will be discussing this more on the morrow Loki," the thunderer said in a tone that clearly closed the door on any dispute.

Too drained to snap back, Loki simply nodded and took two short steps to the glass covered couch, intending to collapse onto it. His pride happily taking a back seat to survival instincts. So intent on the couch, Loki missed the concerned look that passed between Thor and Stark. Thor quickly moved the Loki's side and took his arm gently, relieved as his brother didn't pull away as Thor had become accustomed to.

"Come Loki, I'm sure Tony can find you temporary residence that still has an intact window," he glanced at Stark who quickly nodded. "Yeah Prancer, I got a bunch of spare rooms up on the top floor," he spurted out. And Loki was simply too exhausted to protest as Thor half guided and half dragged him out of the room.

* * *

Thor left soon after settling Loki on the couch of his new, temporary accommodation. Loki could tell the thunderer wanted to stay and press the issue, but perhaps Thor was wiser these days than Loki gave him credit for. Stark stayed however, hovering in front of the exhausted god. Loki gave him a bemused look.

"Something on your mind Stark?"

The mortal’s face twisted into a frown as he let his eyes met Loki’s.

"What actually happened Loki?" Stark pressed.

Loki swallowed the sardonic response he had already prepared at the surprise of hearing Tony use his actual name. Before now the human had always relied on some form of nickname or half insult. Stark slumped down onto the couch next to Loki.

"The energy readings JARVIS detected were crazy high Loki. You told me that magic users pull energy from other places but I haven't found any evidence of a power dip from any source high enough to equal that kind of output. And I looked through the entire state," the human paused, watching Loki's face.

The god met his gaze.

"Is there a question in all this Stark?"

Tony fidgeted in his seat, clearly nervous.

"You're not telling me that was you?" he finally asked.

Loki looked away from Stark, choosing the study the hideous "artwork" on the wall in front of them.

"Magic reserves grow with a user’s age Stark, you know that," Loki said quietly.

Tony snapped upright. "That's it? That's your response? How can you possibly be so fucking calm Lokes? And what you said before, you what, lost your temper or some shit like that?"

Loki took a breath and clenched his fists, Tony's aggressiveness was disturbing the mostly quietened waves inside him.

"It's not as simple as that Tony,” He bit out. “Seiðr isn't an easy force to contain,"

"Well you need to try harder then Loki,” the mortal snapped back. “You're telling me you essentially have a nuke in your chest or brain or whatever and you risk setting it off every time you have a temper tantrum?" Tony stood up suddenly, throwing his hands around as he spoke. Clearly Stark had progressed into the anger part of his processing, Loki mused briefly. However amusing and helpfully distracting the mortal could be, Loki grated at being talked to like a child.

"I _just_ told you it wasn't that simple Stark," the god growled out, seidr beginning the roil under his skin again.

Tony just glared down at him

"Bullshit it's not that fucking simple Loki,"

The two men locked eyes in silence for a brief moment, before Tony spoke again. "If it’s really not then prove it,"

The challenge rang out clearly in the otherwise silent room. Loki licked his lips nervously.

"Fine,"

The mortal had no way of comprehending what he was asking for but he did ask, so Loki would show him.  
  
See how he liked the storm.   
  
In one quick movement, Loki stood and placed a hand on the side of Tony's face. The contact allowed Loki to briefly bridge Tony's mind and dump just a moment of chaos there. What Loki showed Tony was just a split second of memory, just before he tore his seidr back but the mortal came to gasping for air. Loki dropped his hand to Tony's shoulders to steady him.

"What the fuck was that Lokes?” Tony managed to pant out. “Wait don't answer I think I'm gonna hurl,"

Loki pushed Tony onto the couch.

"It'll pass," he told the mortal firmly. He paused for a moment, looking down at Stark’s sudden pale and sweaty appearance and suddenly feeling… guilty? Loki frowned. "I'm sorry, perhaps I should have given you more warning," he admitted  sheepishly.

Tony looked at Loki with wide eyes.

“What was that Loki? I could _taste_ colors, how does that even work?" he trailed off.   
Loki sat down next to Tony, headache once again creeping its way into the back of his skull.

"That was my, as you put it, temper tantrum,"

"Jesus Loki..."

The god looked away from Tony and sighed.

“I went for too long without tending to my seiðr, that now, it's... unpredictable," he glanced at his hands. "My control is barely better than a apprentice, but unlike a child I have a... nuke in my chest," he finished quietly.

Tony rested a hand over Loki's after a moment, with only the slightest tremor betraying his frayed nerves.

"What _happened_ Lo'?"

Loki sighed and raised a hand to massage his temples, he sorely needed sleep, and food.

"Thor surprised me, I was... I don't know how to explain it to you, reaching out?" he shook his head slightly. That wasn't the best explanation he'd ever given.

Tony took a shaky breath.

"Can you show me?" he asked quietly.

Loki glanced at the mortal, raising his eyebrows in surprise.

"You want that again?"

Tony shrugged.

"Whatever you were you doing must've been worth the risk,"

Loki considered it for a moment, before raising a hand to Tony's face and gently placing it against his skin, thinking back to when he let his seidr out, before it all came crashing down.

"Holy shit..... Loki," the words came out breathlessly, or maybe not at all. It would take time to be familiar with the differences between Tony’s actual voice and his mind-voice.

Loki closed his eyes and let Tony float in the balance.

Loki in turn let himself reveal in the feedback from Tony's mind, the taste of ice in the air and crackle of energy humming around him.

But the thing with a mind bridge was that it could sometimes drift from its intended location. For the briefest instant, the image of Tony's face, lit by a single lamp, forehead furrowed in concentration as he looked over the pages in front of him drifted into the merge and like a switch flipped the merge shifted.

Tony was hit with an intense feeling of protectiveness and… longing perhaps, directly at himself, which was odd to say the least.

And then all of a sudden it was gone.

The world snapped back into focus and his senses rewired themselves back they way they should be. Loki was just sitting stiffly on the couch next to him, hands tucked in his lap

Tony took a breath.

"Lokes..."

The god stared stubbornly at the ground. The silence was deafened compared to the bridge.

"You should go Stark,"

Tony frowned.

"I don't think so, not until you tell me what that was,"

Loki said nothing in response. He simply stood up, paced to the door and opened it slowly.

"You should go Stark," the god repeated.

Tony studied Loki's face for a long moment, weighing his choices, before sighing in frustration and walking to the door.

“We are gonna finish this conversation Loki," he told the taller man.

Loki remained silent.

Tony shook his head slightly and walked out, unable to completely squash the feeling he was making a mistake.

* * *

Loki closed the door gently behind Stark.

What was he doing?  
This was madness   
To- Stark. Stark was a mortal.   
Why was he pining after the company of a mortal like some lovesick puppy?   
He was a god.

Had been a god.

Is this what he had been reduced to?

A weak, pathetic frost giant playing at being a god?

Seidr pulsed under his skin yet again and Loki bit down on his tongue, tasting the cold metallic blood that spurted into his mouth. The pain cut through his emotions and anchored him.

Anger wouldn't help him here.

Anger got him into this mess.

Anger breeds confusion which breeds hatred which breeds chaos.

And chaos was the enemy here.


End file.
